Organized Chaos: October 2008

Friday, October 17, 2008

Mega Transfer

Mega Transfer...
OK. So I've been 'blogging' my random crazy thoughts for a bit now. It's completely sporadic, I might blog excessively for a good few weeks & then nothing for a month or two. I have now been convinced to be on 'blogger' so, hopefully I can get better at that.
There is going to be a massive amount of transferring of other posts on to this one. Like.. umm.. probably an overload.
I don't have a theme, or any type of logical explanation for what goes in this. Just stuff from my Crazy Stew of reality. (& lack there of...)

I guess. . . stay tuned.
You never know what I'll do next.

Ta for now!

KT

AUGUST 26,2008

AUGUST 26,2008

Ooo Ahh.. Tinseltown.

I just got back into LA from Texas where I was working on a new film, called Roslyn. I've been gone since the 7th and living literally at night & sleeping in the day so I have to get used to living in daylight before I head back to WA for Stac & Ryan's wedding next week.
The film is basically about fraternities and hazing and I play Janet. Janet is just thrown in to twist and cause more ruckus. It's a pretty dark, intense movie. Slightly 'alphadog-esque'. I'm really, really excited about this film cause of all the people I got to meet and work with.
I'm not too sure when you guys can see it. Our producer and director said that they're hoping to hit Tribecca, Toronto, Cannes and Sundance so if you hit one of those you can see it. :-) Otherwise you'll have to wait 'til it's randomly on video.
you can check it out on http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1273241/
I have some pics and video from our crazy overnight shoots that I'll post once I figure out how to do that.
Next week, it's back on a jet plane (my 6th and 7th flight this summer.. YIKES!) home to WA for STACK's wedding! I can't wait to feel less like a zombie and live in daylight; not to mention my family and friends!!!!
Then when I get back... MOVING! YAY!
Once I become human again.. I'll write more.
Ta for Now,
KT
:-)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

AfTeR 3 yEaRs: nO pLaCe CaLlEd HoMe....
Current mood: adventurous

I have come to the realization that I really have no place to call 'home. I mean I have a place to live; & Washington is 'home'. But I don't have a place that is 'home' like 'Home' was when I was growing up. In one of my favorite movies EVER, 'Garden State', there is this quote that is the most true quote ever:
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place. "
I can't wait to have that place where I am relieved to go on a daily basis. Where even when I'm the most sad, I can walk in to people/family happy to see me; who will respect me like I respect them. Who respect the area that is around them and the people sharing it with them.
I suppose that three years should be enough to be 'satisfied' or 'comfortable'. I am fully thankful for the people I have met and the experiences I have had. They have been, and are incredible and a blessing thus far & I can honestly say that I am in no way, shape, or form the same person I was when I moved from NY to here. But something is, and has been missing. That, as I've come to realize, is the comfort of 'home' & the people who make you feel like you're home.
My mom said she didn't feel like Washington was her 'home' after moving there from Minnesota for 10 years. TEN YEARS! That means I have 7 more years. I'm am surly thinking that 7 more years of feeling that sense of something missing is not an option. So, the fourth year of my adventure in California is going to be focused on finding that missing piece.
Stay Tuned...... Although I may disappear for large amounts of time now and then, I am praying that I come back with restored faith for humanity. Because the last 8 months of shock and heartache have almost single handedly distorted it with one thing after another.
Venturing out to find, 'the good eggs'.
I want nothing more than to come back as the girl who's, 'in love with the world and you can't help but follow

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Lack of Technology is actually nice.....
Current mood: relaxed

So today was an amazingly,terrific,relaxing,accomplished, great day. {Yes.. all those verbs needed.}
First, I got an email (since phone still remains not-in-hands) from my family telling me that my cousin Nathan, and his wife Ashley (collectively we call them, "Nashly") after over a year of waiting are getting their baby from Ethiopia!!! We are thrilled to have a new family member named Yenenesh Tumore 'Yenni'. She is 3months old right now and will be joining us in August for our annual trip to Agate Lake,Minnesota. This is an extremely exciting blessing and I can't think of anyone who deserves it more.
Also, My phone I think was found.
After my little brother forwarded the news to my mom last night, my mother (in her very threatening way) decided that she was going to take it upon herself to get my phone back. She texted it saying the following:

Mom: please return my daughters phone.
Mom:We are tracking you by GPS
Mom: we know you're in California.
Phone: I found it. P

My mom then emailed me and said that "P" found it. I am guessing that is Paul our 2nd AD. I guess I"ll have to wait 'til Monday to find it.

I am hoping that the:
phone: I found it. P that my mom said wasn't acually..
phone: I found it :P -- like sometimes when people make those faces that would be a tounge sticking out. So they really meant.. Well I found it :-P ha ha it's mine sucker!
also, OF COURSE ITS IN CALIFORNIA MOM!
Very good of my mom to use her resources. I am glad that she didn't mention that other state I whisked away to yesterday for a few hours. (?) and she didn't just pick somewhere that i could've left it, in route to wherever she thinks I could've gone. classic.

I have found that this no phone thing is actually a blessing. I"ve been reading and writing ALL DAY and it's been a much needed escape from "reality" & having my phone going off. Even if it wasn't going off I probably would've called someone and made some unnecessary plans and went out and did some unnecessary spending. But instead I lounged in the sun and read/swam/wrote/did some laundry... I would say, quite productive.

I think I'm going to make this something I do every once in a while. LOOSE/shut off phone for a weekend. I quite like it.

Happy Mothers Day to all you lucky mamas.

Ta for now.
KT

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 . . & CSI:NY

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Miss/Guided
Current mood: cheerful

MID-SEASON

You can run and you can hide but you can never escape… who you were in high school.

Becky Freeley (Judy Greer)thought she had left her teenage self behind when she returned to her old school to work as the guidance counselor. It wasn't until Lisa(Brooke Burns), her gorgeous former nemesis, joined the faculty that Becky realized her cover was blown.

In high school, Becky was an underachiever, a social bottom feeder and a dork.(I play young becky in a flashback, episode 6 with hopes of coming back if picked up!) Today, she's attractive, confident and has an admirer in the school's male nurse. Becky, however, has her eye on Tim(Kristopher Polaha), an earnest, single Spanish teacher. Unfortunately, so does Lisa. When Lisa was in high school, she was beautiful, popular and smart. While Becky pined secretly for Lisa's boyfriend, Lisa barely knew Becky existed. This time around, however, Becky is determined to prove that she has changed and to help her students have an easier time than she did. In the pilot, Becky counsels a young girl in search of a date for the homecoming dance. At the same time, Becky is looking for a date for herself and must confront the fact that she hasn't changed as much as she thought she had.

As the guidance counselor, Becky provides us with an inside look at the lives of both the students and faculty. More importantly, Becky has the opportunity to answer the question: If you could go back, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Miss Guided is a show about second chances -- not only for Becky, but for Lisa and Tim, as well. Produced by Ashton Kutcher and helmed by Emmy® Award-winning Director Todd Holland (Malcolm in the Middle, The Larry Sanders Show).

Also in episode 6: Chris Parnell as 'Bruce', Ashton Kutcher as 'Beaux' Jamie Lynn Spears as 'Mandy', and Wesley Gonzalez as 'James' (ha ha).

This was a crazy Amazing opportunity. One I hope isn't over. But, the BEST part is in the weeks of filming I met some other aspiring actors who are the most AMAZING people! I'm excited to stay in contact with all of YOU!

Here's some pics from Set & the Wrap Party

Me & Chris Parnell (@ the wrap party) Who you can also catch on SNL, '30 Rock'.. etc.

Me & Our Director, Todd Holland (who also directed [& won emmy's for] Malcome in the Middle) @ the Wrap Party.

Crazy wardrobe guy Josh. LOVE him! (@ wrap party)

Wasting time in my trailer while hair sets in curls.

Becky circa 1970's. (before braces and cowboy hat) This is the pic they used to match me with for following days.

Me a few days later. See, they're good at their jobs. Pretty exact.

ALSO!!! CSI:NY episode airs tomorrow night for the Halloween episode.
I'm a Zombie.
Make-up by the amazing Joel Harlow.

1st step

almost.

Ohhhhhh I know!!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

'Hi Dare'.. I'm still here.
Current mood: thankful

It seems as though everyone thinks I've dissapeared. ........... Not the case.

I scored a pretty rad gig.
as for now, Sorry I'm ignoring everyone. boo! I work like 16 hour days...soooooo yeah.

I just want to say, in all seriousness, If you want something bad enough, and you KNOW it'll make you happy.. just do it. Even if you have to give up something stable to try your darndest. The struggle is worth the reward. Even if the reward is SO FAR only 6 days long.
Hard work and passion really does pay off. So use it and Do it.

God Bless!
K.V.

September 8, 2007

Grey's! Grey's! Grey's! Grey's!

So today I filmed Grey's Anatomy. I have 2 scenes with Ellen Pompeo (Meredith Grey)and Uno with Sandra Oh (Christina Yang).
I do have to say that as exciting as it is, I don't really like that set.
I can't really judge cause I only worked one day, and it could've just been a bad day for everyone.(not to mention the impending writer's strike)
I have watched the show since day one, and will watch when this episode airs on NOV. 8th. But........ I don't think I'm much of a fan anymore. sad sad story.
Am very thankful for the opportunity!
They are UBER secretive and since the 1st episode of the season airs tonight, nothing was allowed onset. (phones,cameras,etc.) we even had to turn in our sides before we left [ Sides: tiny script. just what is being shot that day ]
So while I was walking I snap some camera phone pics.

My parking pass to get onto Prospect Studios. I saved it. :-)

The free standing wall that has 'Seattle Grace' sign outside of sound stage.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Oh Good. My first ’quake...

Just experienced my first earthquake here in California. The epicenter was RIGHT here. yeah. 4.5. Things were falling off my shelf. I was frozen. I literally thought I was paralyze. I think that this is bad.. I think I was suppose to run into a doorway or something. But NO.. i just lay here trying to sleep and become paralyzed. Also, My window i right by my head. Probably should move my bed.

Apparently this wasn't too bad. But, OH... it was HORRIBLE. I don't like it one bit.

A few aftershocks.. blah blah blah. they better not be preparing us for something bigger. nothing more to say.

just alittle shaken-up.
NOT A PUN!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Why cant they Fergie Ferg!? HUH!?
Current mood: curious

"Blogging" is for thoughts. Here's my most recent.
(i'm not claiming that it's profound. okay!? just a thought.)
**********************************************
I am having mixed feeling about this song!
"BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY"
seriously I think it'd be good, --to a point.
I like how she says, "Me,Myself & I, We have some straightening out to do". cause who doesn't have some "straightening out to do"? & kudos to her for not wanting this crazy cool guys she's singing about around while she sorts it out.
but the whole, "and I'll miss you like a child misses their blanket.."
COME ON! could we have thought of something alittle better!?
let me give you a few ideas..
with the same melody,
"and I'll miss you cause there's no one really like you.."
"and I'll miss you like crazy cause I you're a cool dude!?"
the two ideas are equally corney. Not trying to leave out the corny /childlikeness (<--new word. just created it. absorb) .. but nothing like, "I'll miss you like a child misses their blanket." Seriously.
Also, the Uno cards and playing jax reference... HELLO! I'm an adult and I play Uno, Uno Attack and Jax. So I don't know what you're talking about fergie.
Maybe you're too focused on being an adult that you can't let out your inner child-- and that's actually what You,Yourself and You need to straighten out.

And why can't a big girl cry? Is there and age where you aren't suppose to cry!? Guess what? My mom is almost 52, and I talked to her on the phone while she cried just a few weeks ago. So don't give me the, "big girls don't cry" mumbo jumbo.
Infact, I'm kinda offended. I can't deny that as a "big girl", I do enjoy a good cry every once in awhile. Perferably by myself, or with my mom on the other end of the phone. It happens. I am FEMALE- A Human being laced with Estrogen,Estrodiol,Progestrone,FSH,LH,etc. What do Males have!? Um... let's see Testosterone..and.... yeah that's right. their one, to our 5+.
So let's just give those boys another reason to criticize our emotional "spirts" shall we!?

And Dang-it-any-how that I can't turn this song off when it comes on the radio. I find myself even singing it. ( I alway leave out, "miss you like a child misses their blanket", because I can't take it.) I guess I KIND OF [and that's a BIIIIIIIG kind of] like it. I like her independance. I love that she isn't depending on someone to get her through it. (whatever, "it" may be)
So as much as it's making us girls feel like we can't cry, we're also being empowered by letting someone/something go to figure things out.
I like that.
*******************************
1 most stupid,pointless blog around.
But I really don't care. I've pondered her point everytime I heard this song. & this is a super popular song. I seriously hear it almost every hour @ work. Unreal.

I REALLY hope Weird-AL gets ahold of this one.
OH wow.. that would be GREAT!

****************************************
Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics
Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity,Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity,Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
La Da Da Da Da Da

Monday, June 04, 2007

tWo YeArS AlReAdy!?!?
Current mood: creative

June 19th marks two years of living in California.
holy moly.
That means that it's been over 2 years since Jim Cavizel's Testomy on Feb. 22,2005,literally changed my life.
I didn't have a clue what I was getting into by going to that event with my friends. Not even a clue.

The things I have experienced and the people I have worked with and met in the last year alone,let alone 2 years, is seriously, unbelievable.
Less than a week ago, I was on the set of a new movie called, "Surfer Dude" where I play a traveler, (credited as part of the "international travelers") that Stars matthew McConaughey. There was,literally standing shoulder to shoulder with this guy, smelling his stench, and listening to his surfing story while they're setting-up the shot; and it hit me.
I'm here.
I'm here with Matthew McConaughey, one of the biggest stars in the world, and I guess this is how it all happens for alot of people.
I suppose that alot of people who don't know me too well, who just know that I've moved to "tinseltown" to try and "make-it", probably think that I'm here to become rich and famous & that I'm crazy enough to think it might actually happen.
Well, I am not.
I am here because I have this crazy dream that I can be here and work.
Well guess what?
I am here.
& I am working.
I moved here because I did the college thing for awhile in Washington, and worried literally every min of it. I was worried because, even though I was studying and learning and not sitting at home doing nothing-I was missing something.
When I got accepted to school In NYC & went is when I was the most happy- EVER-in my life. The reason I was so happy is because I was doing something I love; something that makes me happy all the time. Where I felt creative and inspired, every single day. Not only that, But I was surrounded by people who aspired to do the same & were learning with me.
After NY, I went back home, where I spent another 2 years wondering how I was going to use what I had learned, and how I could get the courage to just do it.
By the Grace of GOD, all in his plan- I was asked to go to see Jim Caviezl speak at the University of Washington INN. I swear to you, He was speaking to me. In a room of probably 200, I felt like he was speaking directly to me. Nothing had been that clear.
Within only a few months I had been pushed to California.
So here I am. Two years later.
I still have no idea what it is exactly I'm suppose to be doing here. Just in the last year I have worked and talked with people I never thought I'd come in contact with: Johnny Depp,Keira Knightly,Orlando Bloom,Drew Barrymore,Josh Hartnett,Tom Hanks,Angelina Jolie,Philip Seymour Hoffman,Julianne Moore,Matthew McConaughey,Jennifer Love Hewitt,Camryn Manheim..... it's incredible!

I've been an assistant to a SFX Make-up designer, a Production Assistant and I've gotten to have 'little tiny roles' in HUGE productions.
I'm just trying to figure it out.
Searching out GOD's Plan.
Who knows, maybe, at this time next year I will have discovered that this is not for me, and will have moved back to WA.
Maybe I'll meet prince Charming who will sweep me off my feet & Change my life.
Maybe I'll have my 'big break' which allows me to be in the Screen Actors Guild and work full-time.
Maybe I'll be a full-time Production Assistant on an episodic TV show that films in Vancouver, or New York, or Atlanta.
Who knows!?
But I am just going to take it one day at a time. Pray. Take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. Use my resources-- and most of all, try my darndest to be happy.
My Ultimate Dream/Goal is not be rich and famous. It's to be that person you see on TV every once in awhile, where you go "hey, I remember her from _____ , I liked her in it.What's her name!?" . I can go to market and have children in public schools,where I can go to meetings and not be bombarded. If I can just be 'working' in this business, that for some reason, makes me happy and excited all the time, that would be the most gratifying thing ever. Maybe do some writting and producing, maybe even directing on the side. All while keeping my faith and not loosing sight of things that are most important.

I don't know whats going to happen. If you would've asked me on February 21,2005 what I was going to be doing in a year; I would've never had even thought that I'd be living in California pursuing a dream. That's the fun in it! The not knowing. The getting a call the night before saying, "will you PA on Such-n-Such production tomorrow!?"
or, "Hey, can you be on set to play a law student in the new tom hanks film tomorrow?"

It's Fun.
It's a Blessing & even if it doesn't last forever, I have all this to look back on to say, "well, at least I wasn't sitting in WA wondering 'what if'. At least I got out there and gave it a full try."
To know that I've even done that, thus far--> is gratifying.

Cheers to 2 years in Sunny California!

*Oh LORD,you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit & when I rise. you percieve my thoughs from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely. Psalm 139: 1-4*
It's gone by SO fast!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Home = Confusion & Comfort. But mostly Confusion
Current mood: confused

Everytime I am home, I find a night where I can just go for a drive. This trip home is no different and tonight was the night.
After some spending some time with Danielle and Shana, I decided to take the long way home. I started in Marysville and then I drove all the way around the lake...slowly. I absorbed every mile of those roads and then I took a small detour and drove to the highschool and my middle school and elementry school. I always look around and think about those days. Sadly, most of it's a blur. I don't remember much of the high school days because I chose to block them out. What I do remember however, is my friends & how bad I wanted nothing more than to get out of this town and move on.
So now I live in the "city" and am starting a job in the industry I have always worked towards. But every moment in that city I find myself wishing I was back in this town. Now I am back in this town, and All I want is to head back to that city.
I am restless. I am complicating even myself.
What it is that I really want more than anything is to know exactly what I want.
Driving around this town twice, with the lights on the lake and knowing my old friends are home from school in their parents house's makes everything even more complicated.
I can see them @ any time this week. We can have our "annual mud football" game, we can go to dinner or shopping. We can run up to Frontier Village and rent a movie and go back to one of our houses to watch it and eat icecream or we can just sit on one of our docks and chat; just like it was.
But the truth is, it's all going to be over in a matter of 4 days and any type of comfort that we've felt will be gone and we'll be back to the "real world".
I really hope that 2007 will bring stability for me and those who've had that crazy "grown-up" conversation with me this week.
We'll figure it out.
It's only 4 1/2 years out of highschool; we're not suppose to have it all figured out yet right?
I think the only thing I have to figure out is being okay with "complication" and uncertainty.
And when all seems lost, We can always find joy in looking forward to the one week a year that we're all here.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

CrAzY thOuGhTs!!!! -- that come from my random head.
Current mood: contemplative

My response to a quote/letter someone sent in December.....

The quote: "Never say Never. Never Say Forever."

I think I like that quote.I guess that I would, considering I am probably the biggest commitment phob out there. But I am willing and, okay.. sometimes eager, to change that phobia. I often think that people (more so in the present) use "I love you" So generously. Everywhere you go, "I love you!" From random people.. and hugs.
HUGS everywhere!! Everyone wants to HUG!!
I am a caring/warm person, but come on. . . I don't want to hug everyone I see, especially if I just saw you yesterday and knew that I was going to see you today as well.
I guess that's what you're quote made me think of. Commitment and "love" and that horribly scarey word "forever". But then I sit and rack my brain after a long day at work and think, As I've said before, "Who doesn't want to look ahead to the future!? Who doesn't want some type of comfort.I am guilty of it. Why do we do that!? I can admit that I fear growing old without having taken every possible journey I could've. So then why do we (I) so often, rush the present!? "
It's just life.
Some people are scared to be alone,so they rush into being in the comfort of one certain person; or multiple people. Sometimes one person right after another. We'll call it "settling"; and others just keep looking around thinking that there is always something/someone better out there. So which one is the right one?
I think that always settling and never having time to experience parts of life Alone is complete nonsense and makes people look like cowards.
But on the flip side, are we "commitment phobs" cowards for not being able to let someone in on experiences?
Eventually everyone has to "settle" though Right!? Or else we're stuck in the world of contemplation until we're old and grey with 44 cats while listening to our nieces and nephews ask, "why did you never get married!? or have kids?", while they're stocking our refridgerater because they think we're too depressed & lonely to do it ourselves!
It doesn't matter that we may have won an oscar, or pulizer prize. Or that we may have saved 3 or more people in our life time. No matter how much we may be fullfilled in other aspects of our lives, Something is always missing. Maybe that something is what we have once had, and were scared with the comfort it gave us. Not realizing it's actually what we want.
So we just run away.. once again thinking that we'll find it again some other time, Even if it's temporary; because we think, "I will not settle. I will not settle and then Fail"
Well.. here's another quote for you to think about....
"If we don't try, we can't fail"
Is it a good quote or is it bad quote!?
Totally and completely rhetorical -- which brings us back to square one.
Life. One vicious cycle. Once one conflict is figured out; or journey taken; another one is eventually thrown our way. Maybe it's easier to understand after the settling!?!? Maybe it's more difficult. Who knows. You're either one person or the other.
Life is about life.. and how each person lives it. We only get one shot.

So .."Never say never" <-- definatly
But "Never say Forever" <-- I think eventually, in each's own time, it just might be the final piece to complete life's "comforting" puzzle!

***
Hmm... just spent 15 mins rambling(typing), perhaps to myself, on myspace while drinking a glass of wine still in my work clothes.
A Classic Friday Night.

Saturday will Definatly be more eventful!!
*******
Cheers.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Inspiration for ME
Current mood: optimistic

*Inner Conflicts can be changed to Trials and Tribulations, lies, secrets... anything. Don't read too much into it. ;-)*

These Inner Conflicts are mostly bad & rarely good.
They make life clasterphobic with complete bewilderment.
Most of these Conflicts are kept within one's self and not shared with others.
They are impossible to let out, bringing along humiliatiation,shame,anxiety and anger upon surfacing.
Depending on who you expose and when, these inner conflicts can build you up or break you down.
It can be the relief of a load of cement bricks lifted off your shoulders; or it can bare you down by adding a few onto them.
Sometimes doing both; one right after another.
Letting out these Conflicts can feel like complete loss of control -- even if the Fight within was about not having control in the first place.
Inner Conflicts confuse reality from revories and will consume your all--
Maybe for a week, or a month, or a year, or maybe four years.
They will suck you in and leave you with nothing but fear and regret in the loss of one's self --or the judgements of others that you eventually expose.
They are caused by twisted images or tales on an Earth that's obessed with the never-ending of "one-up'ing".
These Inner Conflicts are made up of unnecessary uncertainty, Disgrace, Stigma, and Pride.
Yet still, the conflict(s) will surface at the submission to someone else, most commonly at their request or demand.
These Conflicts are mostly bad; Rarely Good.
When these conflicts escape you, they can shamefully become someone else's unnecessary burden.
Realization of the surfacing can induce a fight.
Successfully, that fight will create a distraction from the clarity in progress.
When reality prevails, another world--within another world--within yet another world become exposed.
The World's contain Hope & Idealistic Optimism.
These conflicts are pivotal staples that create the "what is" of life.
These Inner Conflicts, though mostly bad & rarely good, will almost always, with good purpose, fail at remaining within--
Even if the only journey you direct them in, is to a newly enlightened you.
**********************
-KT

"In the world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world." (John 16:32, 33)

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

*The Journey through 2006 to 2007*
Current mood: content

As 2006 comes to an end I find myself reflecting on this year. I can't believe that 2007 is litterally less than 60 days away. 'Tis Insane!
The following are some things I've learned about myself, Life and others this year:
-I can fit more into one day than any usual person should <----& that I am, infact not usual.

- I am Insane and difficult. Period. That's just who I am. I'm Loud and goofy and and strange. I'm Blonde and sometimes that shows through. I lock my keys in my car or lose them so much that I have AAA on speed dial. I love the LORD and am not afraid to stand up for him to anyone.

-I am finished with the period in my life of pretending to come off as someone else. I am Me. Finding out who "I" am has been nothing but a challenge. But discovering me and learning to accept me is the greatest feeling that continues to grow everyday.

-Seeing/hearing about my friends and family get married, finish college, have children, or finally find their niche makes me so incredibly happy and has made me look at/ appreciate life more than I ever have.

-I can move all the contents of my room in two car (& one truck) loads so I am never "stuck" anywhere.

- Contrary to the "discovery" above, I am getting more and more comfortable with the word "Commitment".

-I am overly afraid of failure and it's something I'm learning to face.

-When I put heart and determination into something I want and believe in, things start to happen. *Hard work and patience Pay off*

-I can make it on my own. I can cook and clean and use a phone and pay bills and LIVE without my parents. That's a scarey one. But So liberating @ the same time.

-It's okay to meet new people. It's still okay if the people you just met think that they might not like you. Life will go on & the loss is their's in the long run.

-Material things mean NOTHING. Love, Faith, Friends, Family, Stability, Life, Health, Air... it's all I need.. (oh and my bag-o-tricks, yarn purse.. because apparently it's my staple.. ha ha)

- I am incredibly indecisive and I don't need to apologize for it.

- Over analyzing just makes things more difficult and I should definatly stop doing it.

-People just figure things out. Worrying about them does no good. Telling them my opinion isn't always necessary. Sometimes I'm the one that's actually worse off.

-My mom is going to call me 3 times a day. If I don't answer @ least once she'll loose sleep & tell me about it the next time I answer. So as much as I feel like not talking I should answer her call or send her a text to let her know I'm okay and still alive.

-I am at a point in my life where I don't have a husband, or kids, or any HUGE commitments so I have become 110% comfortable with being selfish and living for ME right now; as long as it's not affecting others in a negative way.

-I spread myself way too thin. I am a pushover and can't say "No". It was my 2006 resolution to not be a pushover. I worked on it at times. I would have to say that I did do okay. . . sometimes. In 2007 I hope to get better at it and say NO when I want to without feeling guilty about it.

-Opening up to people, (even those closest to me) wasn't and still isn't "my thing". But when I finally did this year I could do so with out feeling judged.

-I'm not going to possibly keep in touch with EVERYONE I want to all the time. It doesn't mean that they or (I) don't care; It just means that life is being... . well... life & that we'll catch up when we can.

-Friends come and go. But those Friends that have been and will Always be there are Family.

- Life is an Amazing journey. Once something gets worked out something else will eventually get thrown our way. It's a vicious cycle. But it's what keeps us going. Learning things about ourselves makes the hard things become easier, and the easy things seem boring. I say, "Bring on the Challenge"-- Make life worth while. As long as we have ONE thing that we can look to and be grateful for, we'll keep going.

Cheers to the last days of 2006 and Blessings to 2007. I pray for all Health, Happiness, Safety & Strength.
*KT*

Sunday, October 01, 2006

"...I'll come through Like I do when the world keeps testing me. ."
Current mood: impressed

The following song lyrics are AMAZING.

I cannot get enough of This New Album by John Mayer. I have it on Repeat constantly and am not sick of it.

I find that this song relates to me right now. I have come back to L.A. . After that HORRIBLE month of september and me thinking that I wouldn't come back.. I did. I "kept my self from going under".

"the difference between me and you is that I am giving it another day"
"you can't fail if you don't give up"

GOD is good.
no.. GOD is amazing...
-KT-

VULTURES
JOHN MAYER
CONTINUUM

Some of us, We're hardly ever here
The rest of us, we're born to disappear
How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How do I hold my head
To keep from going under

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hanging
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
They've never gone this long
Without a kill before

Down to the wire
Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

(solo)
Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to keep these vultures
Out of my trail
Powers is made, by power being taken
I keep on running
To protect my situation

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

Oooooooooooo
Oooooooooooo
Oooooooooooo
Oooooooooooo
Whatcha gonna do about it
Whatcha gonna do about it

Sunday, September 17, 2006

No quote rang more true @ the perfect time
Current mood: happy

I just read this quote that makes 110% sense to me and totally applies to my life.

It is..

"I love to go home. I call it defrosting my heart. Everyone @ home is so simple a genuine. In this business, sometimes you can get cold-hearted. When I go, even if it's 20 below and snowing, I come back with a warm heart."

SOOOOOO stinkin' glad to be home right now ! You couldn't EVEN imagine!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Beating All Odds
Current mood: frustrated

DISCLAIMER: I'm not really in the writing mood.. just wanted to jot things down. So this is very scattered and I'm sure 'grammerically incorrect' in every aspect. But, Like I said.. just Jottin' Down people.

I've been in this house for a year. The first year of my adventure here in LA.

WOW so much has happened. Fires, stabbing, Being Held Up, flushing of keys, Agents, Manager, Auditions, Filming my first feature film, New Friends, Jobs.. I would've never anticipated that this last year would be so fulfilling. I remember writing a "blog" RIGHT before the new year and saying, "2006 <-- I like the sound of that. I think It's going to be my year!" Huh. . That statement couldn't have been more true. Granted the first 3 months contained some extrememly shisty people; But I got through it.

So now it's off to the next place. The next "hole" of LA. the next Year. Where is it going to be!?
HA.. I have no idea. But I'm done worrying about it. I'm just going to enjoy the ride!

************************************************

I have come to the realization that my life is strictly about beating the odds.

Okay blah blah blah I know. . Everyone beats the odds and yaddy yaddy.. but honestly For some odd reason I have this THING planted into my brain that is constantly telling me, "Take the hardest route Katherine. Why would you consider something easy!?"

I have been beating the odds since I was a fetus. Seriously. I was the first girl to be born into my dad's family in 50 years. No one believed my parents when they announced it was a girl. My grandpa who was out on his commercial fisherman's boat in Alaska recieved a Telegram and my Grandma said that he looked at it and said, "hmmm who had a baby!?" Because he read "It's A Girl!!!" and had no clue who it'd be. After my two brothers were born my mom and dad didn't even get an ultrasound and find out my gender because they assumed and were just convinced that I was a boy.
well.. HAHA.. I'm not! and I think that since I got all the Female genes for the Vander Linden family I was also given all the dreams and aspirations that every possibly female would've had.

So now I'm here. In 'Tinseltown' Trying to beat the million other people out here for the same thing.
Why for some reason am I convinced, even in this extrodinary time of trial, in finding a place to live and holding 3 jobs, do I even slightly think I can do it!?
You can't even imagine how appealing moving home and being with friends and family sounds right now.
but working in the hospital and living a life of 40 hour weeks and small towns is not even slightly what I want right now.. if ever.
So. . . In conclusion, thank you peeps at home telling me I'd be miserable. Cause I would. Not because of you. . cuase having you guys around would be so fullfilling.
But because I am / have built a life out here. I'm auditioning. I'm constantly on sets, I'm meeting people, I'm Living. . and I'm not unhappy.
But will I ever NOT be lonesome for all you guys back home!?
I am moving on.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

*In a Moment. . . *

It's strange to me how life can be so stressful. Once we get past the stage of Braces and SATs you think that things will just get easier. We assume that people grow-up; that people stop gossiping and life just makes sense.
HA. WOW were we wrong!
After highschool is college. The place where we spend at least the two years trying to "figure" out who we are. Then there is that day when "Declaring your major" is the worse possible thing and picking one could leave out the other. If only that "simple" stress was it.
Year four out of highschool--> Moving out of state, away from family and friends; and anything even remotely familiar to pursue a career in what we think we'll love and will satisfy us.
Sadly, life just keeps getting stressful. We sit back and worry. About Bills, and work, rent, seeing friends, keeping in contact with family & friends from back home, getting gas the night before so we have those extra mins in the morning, who our agent is going to be for pilot season / or will we have to wait until next year? Working not one, or two, or three but FOUR jobs just to make ends meet and explore all opportunities. Without feeling like we're cheating ourselves.
Life is confusing and stressful. And then, just in time GOD "throws us a bone". We get a moment. Even if it's just one day out of 30 stressful ones, or simply five minutes of one day; We get it.
It's that moment of reasurance. The one day where the casting director calls you for an audition. That one day you get bumped on set. That moment in class where you feel fullfilled about your scene. The pictures you're reviewing that actually turned out. That one child who was afraid to get their blood drawn, you made them feel comfortable, and got it on the first try. It's those moments. The moments that bring satisfaction that keep us going.

Recently I was at an Augustana concert at the H.O.B in Hollywood. At the end of the show, for the encore, they brought they're opening act and tour manager on stage and did a song. Everyone was dancing and beating the tamborine and singing.
I was sucked into this performance. They were all smiling and sharing microphones. You could just tell they were having the time of their lives. Here they were, two essentially unknown bands, starting to make it. This was "their moment". As we were walking out I thought how incredible it must feel to wake-up every morning and realize you're doing it. You're living your dream.
Then the next day it happened to me. I got onset and was bumped. A simple sentence from the director, "Can we please prop this patient's head up more? Where's the prop master? I can't see much of her face on Camera". Imagine my delight when then, the prop master and make team are running towards me for "my close-up". And the Director and "star" of the film are standing at the gurney I'm laying on discussing, With me, the scence we're about to do. Eight takes later and the "high" or "excitement" wasn't even beginning to diminish.
Three days pass by and I am sitting at home. Once again, worrying about above mentioned and feeling the stress, and lonliness. Why am I here? Why do I keep going?. . there are only a few things that will keep me out here and prevent me from going crazy: Faith, Support, and those moments of reasurance.
I realize that as long as I have those & continue to share them with others, I'll be okay.

SLEEPY. .
Retiring from the comp. to the pillow,
*KT*

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

A Day in the Life of Me . . & Amos Lee!!
Current mood: blah

*Disclaimer: I'm sure this is going to contain little or no correct grammer. Spelling and punctuation of any sorts is just out of the question . Okay!? So throw me a bone here people. I had a LONG freakin' Weekend! PSH!*
--------------------------------------------------------------------

And so it begins. . . . . . . . . . . . ... . .

On Friday the 28th of July my little brother Benjamin flu down to L.A. and him and I, and my roommate Beth left early Saturday morning for San Jose for my cousin's wedding.
On Friday morning before I went the airport Beth and I went to pick up the rental Car, and everything went off without a hitch. I got the airport and checked in to pick up my brother who's a minor so I had to go to the gate to get him. All went well and I got there with plenty of time to spare. After Ben got off the plane we went to the parking garage at Burbank Airport and proceeded to drive out when I realized I had no idea where the parking ticket was. after about 20 mins of looking for the ticket, the parking people told me I Had to pay $30 to get out of the garage. BOO! So I did. Ah well, I wasn't that mad. I was mainly happy that I had my little brother with me.

Saturday's drive was awesome. We stopped for gas and bought fruit from the market in Pismo Beach. We were making Great time. At what would be our last bathroom stop, I got out of the car and headed inside to "tinkle". We were at a Truck stop in a little town called King City. When I say little I want to emphasize the fact that it was TINY. .. like.. Approx. 2 miles in radius little. It includes a truckstop and a ghetto cafe that makes beef sandwiches that taste like old chinese food. "how would you know that Katie!?" I bet you are asking.. . well I know that because after voiding in the toilet I stood up and the keys to not only my rental car, but also everything else I need keys for flushed down the toilet.

We asked to call a plumber but apparently this had happened to someone before only a few weeks ago and they seems to know that it goes to the septic tank and cannot be retrieved. Actually an exact quote at one point was, "Miss, this is a truck stop. Do you know how many people come in and out of this place on a daily basis!? We've gotta have strong pipes!" So in my state of Panic I came out of the bathroom and told Beth and Ben what had just happened. For a moment they didn't believe me. then they realized I wasn't kidding nad got extremely angry. WOW were they mad!

We then went through all possible options. We called AAA and asked for them to come and carve a key so we could get to SanJose for the wedding and finish our trip. They couldn't because it's a "3rd generation chipped key" and can't be carved. Then we called dealerships within 70 miles either way and both didn't have anything avalible until Monday afternoon. We were officially freaking out. Thank god I wasn't smart enough to lock the car when we got out of it, because it was unlocked, we got out our phones and dialed away.

Avis then ( 3hours later) decided to send a tow truck from Salinas with another Avis Rental on it to bail us out. They told me it was going to be between 50-100 dollars to get a new key. @ that point I just didn't care. We went into the ghetto "american chinese" cafe and had lunch while waiting for our car.

The rest of the trip went off without a hitch. My cousins wedding was awesome and I got to be with my family <-- which was the best thing EVER!

Ben flu out of San Jose home so Beth and I drove back to L.A. When we got back into the Valley I had a locksmith meet us to make a key for my car so I could drop off the dreadful Rental. When I went to return it, my Original $130.00 rental car was now $360 more. They wouldn't budge so I had to pay it. Apparently there was a 225$ towing cost cause the tow truck had to drive 50 miles to save us. BOO!! I am still quite angry at this. . . but realize this is my life. Nothing is just Easy.. . ahh well.

AFter I got done being really mad at Avis Rent A Car, I met wendy Wiltsey for coffee and then went and saw my favorite AMOS LEE at the Hotel Cafe. I am going to put up some video I have from the show off my phone once I figure it out.

WOW.. he was amazing. It was definatly a good ending to a horrible experience.

Ben and Beth were both very patient and great about helping me dig my way out of that disaster I caused.. I highly thank the both of them.

oh yeah.. this is life. Mine. And I'm living it.

*KT*

Friday, July 14, 2006

"Get in the Boat!"
Current mood: sleepy

As most of you know I have three friends here visiting me from Seattle. Nichole, Shana and Danielle. Well, today was our "beach day". We went to a beach just south of Santa Monica Pier and just laid out and swam in the water.

About 3 hours went by and we were about ready to leave so Danielle and I said "okay let's go out in the water one last time!"

We were out in the water for probably 15-20 mins just chatting away and swimming when a boat started heading towards us. After a few looks we realized it was the coast guard and they were yelling "get in the boat!" We looked to the shore and realized we were pretty far out and that the whole beach was looking out in the water and 3 life guards were on their way to us.

Both of us were highly confused and kept asking what was going on. We thought that there was a shark or something. So this lifeguard guy (with amazing blue eyes! WOW) throws me his "orange rescue thing" and tells me to hold on while a girl is doing the same to Danielle. We are still clueless on what's going on and are starting to get alittle scared. I kept asking the lifeguard what was happening and he just kept saying "hold on with both hands! Keep both hands on it and kick!" So I just did what I was told. The lady lifeguard however, was remaining calm and telling Danielle that we were in a Rip Tide and that we were getting pulled too far out & that eventually we wouldn't be able to get back in.

So we are getting tugged into shore and I see that Danielle and her lifeguard girl are walking cause they can touch so I put my feet down. My lifeguard guy yells at me to "quit and keep both hands on!" So, I'm being pulled in.. even after I can touch. The life guard isn't letting me walk yet and everyone on the beach is watching this rescue mission.

Okay.. I am one that rarely gets embarressed.. but HOLY MOLY. It was so embarrassing. Especially when we finally get onto shore and people are saying to the life guards, while clapping "Way to go!"

Meanwhile Shana and Nichole were up on the beach wondering if it was us they were blowing whistles at and trying to callback in prior to the whole experience. They were just laughing when we got to shore!You can imagine we felt So stupid.

Once on shore the lifequards then asked us how old we were in a way that was like, "are you stupid!? don't you know the ocean!" We said 22 and they glared... we then added "sorry, we're not from around here!" and left.

The best thing to know is that when you're at the beach you rarely see lifeguards and a coastguard boat; and helicopter. We didn't see any all day. But as soon as we might've needed it they were there. I swear to you the boat came out of nowhere and when we were back on shore we tried to find it and it was gone again.

Moral of the story. Find out what a riptide is. Don't go in the water in one and if you feel scared at the beach.. Don't be. Apparently there is phantom coastguard, helicopters and lifeguards at all times.

Yeah. Leave it to Danielle and I to have a "near death experience" and have no clue what was going on. Thank God those lifeguards were paying attention. We could've been lost at sea!

CLASSIC! I'll never forget it!

Monday, July 10, 2006

::It's all about the Positive::A Slight Novel::
Current mood: hopeful

I first, want to state that I am fully aware that it's 3am and I am awake;alert; and thinking as if it was 10am after a delicious Iced grande 1/2soy,1/2 non-fat, one splenda Latte with cinnamon sprinkles. (<- yes. that really is what I drink! {What do you expect? when you work there.. you experiment}).

I spent the other night, with my friend W.W. in Hollywood. We went to Hollywood Cafe and saw a Great show. After the show we walked around and talked about just the chaos of life in general, most of which is caused by choices we make and @ what point we realize it's okay or not okay and move on. I can't really elaborate on this too much cause it's a LONG TOPIC and this blog would probably turn out to be a Novel. But, in a NutShell, It's just about finally figuring out and being okay with yourself, having faith in GOD and finding some type of "contentness"(<-- is it even a word!? probably not. I'm really good at making-up my own words. ;-P) with simply being YOU.

So-- here I am. I have been handed this INSANE career path for my life. When I thought about listening and taking this path in elem, middle school and highschool I would talk about it all the time, to friends and family. But I would speak of it with such uncertainty and listen to the people that expressed their negativity so much that I wouldn't listen to the positive and go with my gut. I am pretty sure that's why instead of heading right into film school after graduation, I went into pre-reqs for nursing.

When that all became boring to me, I took "time off" and explored opportunities. Then, why the heck did I apply to the School for Film and TV in NYC?! Cause I'm crazy and wanted a rejection letter to tell me that I shouldn't actually follow this path, I should take my easier route. I heard that the program I applied for only accepted around 200 students a year and I still did it. The Price was horrendous, and my chances were slim to none. But I got a wild hair and paid the $50.00 application fee and sent in all my Shummina.

Six weeks went by, and I received not only a letter, but a phone call on May 7th,2003 from an advisor at the School for Film and Television Congratulating me that I was accepted into not only the program I applied for, but another one as well. My reaction... Honestly... Oh NO!! I'm going to be broke for the rest of my life, cause I HAVE TO GO!

So off to NY I went. It was the BEST time of my life. And now, almost 4 years later I am not in NYC, but In L.A. still trying to discover what I'm going to do with it.

I just feel like even though I was happy being in my "element" and meeting new people; being out of highschool and in college. I still can say that I was scared crapless about making the right decision about what my life was going to be. I was still uncertain about what I was choosing and listening to my critics.

The classic question of the last year and a half has been "when do I know when it's time to give-up? When do I just agree with the people that think I'm crazy!?"

I would not just sit back and enjoy the ride, I would wonder when It was all going to be over, and how I would then know that it was. Thankfully, after alot of soul searching, it's now pretty clear, and I think I've bascially figured it out.. for me. I am the only person that really has to fully believe in me and find patience with the uncertainty and chaos of the life I have been handed. Why did I care and worry so much about what others were saying!?

If I portray that I am content and believe in myself, I have recently found that others just join in and praise my courage. I would only be lying if I told you that hearing others tell me how "they're in awe that I just got up and did it" didn't push me to keep going. Because let's face it, It's all about the Positive.

As clear as I, (& possibly only I) think that sounds... It so far, only pertains to the "career" aspect of my life. The hardest part now, after finding faith & content in this journey so far; is taking one day at a time.
I mean come on, Who doesn't want to look to the future!? I am guilty of it. Why do we do that!? I can admit that I fear growing old without having taken every possible journey I could've. So then why do I (we) so often, rush the present!?

What I need to do now is just be patient, and take One step at a time. I'll continue this journey, which will hopefully lead me to finding happiness & understanding in the next.

Life is about figuring Life out. It's a never ending cycle. After one thing is discovered another appears and the journey starts all over again handing you a different path.
So now the only thing I can do is try and stay focused on the positive and Enjoy the ride. It's been the hardest thing to not only learn, but also accept; and As long as I keep my glass half full instead of half empty, I'm well on my way.

Finally feeling alittle sleepy,

-KT-

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

sNaP.bAcK.tO.rEaLiTy
Current mood: irritated

Something that really disappoints me in life, is when you meet people you have heard about/seen and they turn out ot be someone completely opposite of what you imagined.

As I participated in a new project today, I encountered some people that I've only ever read about or seen in a character on screen. I have however, heard from coaches and such that these people are extremely nice and real. ON THE CONTRARY... I didn't find that to be fact. I just get angry when I expect one thing, and get another from someone.They are doing what probably a good 3 million people have come to this town to do, without any "back-up" jobs and getting recognition for it. So why do they find that they need to be pompous asses?
That's basically it. I can't really say more without feeling bad about venting about cranky people who think the world owes them.
It's just amazing the amount of things I haven't learned about this town and how most things repeat themselves on a day to day basis, while I stay Nieve. Then one day it just hits me; and I snap into reality.

Lets just say that I guess I've learned that you have to go into this crazy town assuming that everyone is going to be "high and mighty" and that you are just going to be disappointed. So, when they do turn out to be normal in any way/shape or form you are then, pleasantly surprised, and it makes your experience that much more enjoyable.

Nonetheless, I did meet a few great people today. Amoungst them was Actress Michelle Lombardo. She is currently in "Click" with Adam Sandler. Wendy W. & I sat and talked to her when one/all of us weren't in a scene. It was so refreshing to be around someone who's THIS CLOSE to making the Big Big time, and still not jaded. So I am going to do a little promoting for this girlie... check her out in Click right now. Also, soon you can catch her in "All In" on DVD and "Machine". She's gonna be huge soon! And 100eserves it.
Oh Oh, also her husband is an up and coming musician named Drew Broadrick. <-- pretty good. So Check him out.

We'll never stop learning. Even if it's something we think we never want to know.

God Bless-*KV*